Last night I sat down with former BF and had a discussion that fully explained where I was at and why. It was a good thing that I waited this long to finally talk with him; and it is not that I don’t see him, I do still see him on a weekly basis since I attend the same congregation as he and his family. It was a bit awkward at the beginning… and I finally settled on just explaining the actions that could be backed up with “I” statements – I did not go into the ethical issues I have with what we did.

The end point is simply I do not want to be alone. And with him, that is what I get… being alone. We talked, he understood what I was saying, and told me that he was already looking for his next victim. … ooops. His next CLR boyfriend.

Much easier than breaking up with wife, but then this is two men who were in a relationship that both know had issues.

Sort of the antithesis for all the drama I put myself through. But glad I made the effort so we could part with understanding and friendship. And it gives me the final closure we both needed to move on…

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House hunting

Today Ed and I went house hunting. We made an appointment to look at a very charming -from the outside – home near one of the old fort sites. The area has several hundred year old adobes along with homes that are faux nuveau adobe.

It was interesting, but the feng shui was way off. Bad karma from the previous owner. We looked, but declined to offer.

I cannot say how amazing this is… that we are looking at houses.. houses that will be ours together.

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The destination is not the point

Sometimes life is found in the negative space.  That area that exists somewhere between the seeking and the longing. Our eyes turn in one direction thinking that there we must surely find our hearts treasure; only to discover that it, too, is a desert place. We turn a 180 thinking that perhaps it is just over the far horizon.  We strive and abandon all restraint to get to that place… only to once again discover that it is not all we had hoped it would be….  We spend our life wandering too and fro over the earth seeking that home that should be ours, that place of belonging that others take for granted yet we find so elusive. Is it any wonder that many of us give up on the task, or that we are even afraid to begin?

I think that the essence lies not in the destination, but in the journey. Our hearts desire – though we think it first here, then over there, is in fact at neither place. In moments when we are truly honest with ourselves I think that we would admit that we don’t have a clue about ourselves, let alone about who would complete us; and it is in that realization that we finally give up on the destination and concentrate on the journey.

So many of us gay men are stuck… simply stuck.  Journeying from one relationship to another. Ever afraid of discovering what it is that the negative space will reveal. And when we begin to get glimpses of what is there we abandon that relationship for another… and another… and another….Never realizing that if we can never get comfortable with ourselves and what is in that space we will never be comfortable with another.


If I cannot reveal the true me to myself, I will never reveal the true me to another. I will doom myself to purgatory, the endless quest to expunge myself of what I cannot face.

When I face the true me and quell the need to continually change direction… there I find grace.  The ability to have what I not only want, but what I really need. Those not necessarily being the same.


My journey has been long. The quest has been difficult. So many changes in direction. So many different horizons to obtain. Communal living, bible college, street ministry, seminary, teaching, pastoring, counseling, working in prison. Reparative therapy, believing that I only had to marry to become a real boy – a straight man.  Living on the down low, having multitudes of nameless partners. Trying to live  in the inherent lack of integrity that a CLR brings. Finally grieving and believing that all I ever would get would be this half measure that was no measure at all….

This road is not for loosers.  It is not for the faint of heart, or for those that lack courage. It takes every ounce of strength that we have. It involves death… and life… It involves seeing ourselves as we truly are… needy, hungry, naked, poor… desperately seeking love and acceptance and causing harm to those we love despite all we do.  It involves seeing that endless cycling through relationships for what it is… seeing the options that others so loudly proclaim as being valid for what they really are… dirty, ripped, torn and wholly unworthy of the character we so desire.

Sounds like fun?  It’s not.  Sounds like something we don’t want to live? It is exactly what we must do… live through it and into it, and eventually beyond.  It sounds like a loosing proposition to the perpetual indulgence of our baser selves. Depressing. Perhaps immoral. Wrong.

But it it the only path to freedom.  The only path to grace. The only option that allows us to face what we are and move beyond – the only path that gets us outside of ourselves so that we can truly be with another man in a relationship that is all we desire. A relationship where love is not based on sexual desirability, or on what YOU can give to me.  Love based on the concept that the YOU and the ME are in this life together; that we choose each other and will weather the good and the bad together. Yes we have stepped outside the conventional… and many of us have overthrown all that the straight world proclaims as truth.  Only to discover that we have thrown the baby out with the bathwater.  There is grace and mercy and true love in the phrase…”in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer… till death do you part.”

I am worth that type of love.  That love that gives up all for me and for whom I give up all.  It is the love that every gay man seeking a ltr truly wants.

You are worthy of that type of love. Don’t give up.  Face the demons, look into the negative space. And find the freedom to be and discover the man that for you will be that love.


Somehow in my journey I think I have found that man and that love.  I sorrow that it has taken me fifty years of life to find this man who is himself sixty. I grieve that we have so little time to live this love.

And I rejoice that I have not gone to the grave without knowing this love.



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It has been a whole week and I have survived without the cardboard cutout. Ed comes home tomorrow and I am so looking forward to this. Just how did I spend my week?
I went to work
I taught a class
I had sick kids

Anyway we have talked just about every night and he sent me a valentine’s card via snail mail that was just about perfect.

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Ed is gone for the week…and wont be back until the evening of valentine’s Day… He called me tonight while he was purchasing my Valentine’s card..and told me he was bringing me a gift as well….I definitely love this man…

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Four years ago this became one of my favorite videos. I must have played this at least one hundred times.  It spoke of exactly where I was at… needing forgiveness for what I have done, and needing to clean the slate of the mediocrity in my life.

Let mercy come and wash away what I’ve done

I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends


Prophetic words?  Maybe, but very much speaking of the space I was in and the leap that I was about to take.  A leap of faith. I had no idea how this story would turn out.. in fact, I feared the worst would take place…

But that fear would not stop me. Slow me down… yes,  stop me.. no.

I am so glad that I took that leap.  I cannot imagine what life would have been like had I tried to keep it all together.

Life is like that.  We face our fears.. we leap into the unknown. Or we allow our fear to stop us.  The choice is ours. Our fate is in our hands.



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In the end

So, what comes next in this journey of mine? I have been reading my previous blog, reading this blog… and am amazed at how far I have come in the four years I have been posting.

As I began, I was married to a woman…working for an organization that would fire me upon finding out my orientation…and was living in a large house with my wife and three children.

As the blog postings progress I meet my first BF…another married man with whom I developed a romantic relationship which lasted for three plus years. He never did leave his wife for me, although his relationship with her was not healthy. I had been warned by a friend in Los Angeles that he would never leave her for me, and he was right. I am amazed at how many posts I agonized over this thing…wanting him, but never able to have him. Hoping he would leave his wife, afraid that he would never get the courage. A year into the relationship I decided to begin dating other men as well. My thinking — I was afraid that he was all I was ever going to get, but I also was not going to sit idly by and let this happen… so I kept him, but searched for others. Hedging my bets.

Not all of these choices have been good ones. I waited far too long to begin the journey out… I was far too afraid that I would never find anyone else…

Now, I live in a small, three bedroom house in a far less wealthy part of town. My now ex-wife lives a block and a half away.  My children spend half the week here, half the week there.  My ex has gone through (now) nine boyfriends and tells me she is deeply in love with #9.  I think this is so… and she plans on moving to Texas to be with him…How we will split time with the kids is still in negotiation, but at least we talk to each other. I have another job, one that I love… more than any other job I have had.  BF is still with his wife, and I have f0und Ed… the only man in two years who has lasted more than three dates and has my heart and has made me forget about BF.

All of this I could not have foreseen when I began this blog.  All is mixture… some wheat, some tares.

The choices we make in life are like that…a mixture of good and bad… but somehow, at least for me, it always seems to work out in the end.

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