Imagio Dei

I was reading a post from a Catholic author that was claiming as its thesis that God ordained marriage between a man and a woman only because that was where
God first created….Man and Woman….and that one was incomplete without the other. Of course, my reaction was somewhat skeptical. God created Adam first and in the reading of the story there is no indication whatsoever that woman was to be created. Adam was complete in and of himself; and it was only his lonliness that caused God to consdier creating woman – out of one of Adam’s ribs. It can be a wonderful mythological metaphor for the creation of humanity; however, if Adam was complete in and of himself would the loss of a rib cause the completeness to be diminished? I think that instead of focusing on the missing rib, one should instead focus on the aspect of relationship.

It is in the interaction of these two separate beings that completeness is seen. Not in their separate physical attributes. One is a call to a higher level of living. The other, simply the seeing of the divine in sex. Not that sex is not divine; but if one wants to hold to a “slippery slope” arguement then seeing completeness in the separate physical attributes coming together leads to God best being seen in a sexual orgy.

Best to stick with relationship.

I have entitled this post “Imagio Dei” to point to that image of God. The story of creation is a story of relationship. Between God and others. I think that this God is seen, not in physical attributes but in the interplay between human beings in our varied multitudinous possibilities of relationships. It is when we interact with others…. when those interactions cause disquiet, discomfort and disharmony that the image of God becomes potential… has the best possibility to be seen.

Ed and I saw a movie called “Weekend” It follows two men as they meet and spend the entire weekend together…. only to go their separate ways in the end – despite the fact that they obviously fell for each other. It is set a a romnantic film that can show how two people can “impact each other’s lives in a way that will affect them the rest of their lives…” It was a good showing of the gay male reality. One could see in the blossoming relationship the slow move from self-centerdness to other-centerdness.  It is this movement, I think, that best displays the “imagio dei.” It is when we move from only concern about ourselves to concern about the other that the transcendent becomes immanent.

Unfortunately, that movement for these two was to come to abortion and not fruition.  The movie was making the point that this was the way of life; that it was indeed good. In many ways, it was good.  But that movement that displays the life and image of God does more than allow us a glimpse of heaven and then allow us to move back to our self-centered universe.  Which is what these two men did.  Neither one could see enough beyond themselves to make a leap of faith for the other.  The pain of their own existence was far better – to them – than the taking of a chance on the other.  Drop your plans to move to America!  Grab a ticket and go with him!  Do something that moves you outside of yourself!  That move where the image of God is seen calls us – subtly, but surely – to move beyond our self-centerdness and towards the other. It calls us to risk.  And when that call is answered we see God.

At the risk of being politically inncorrect it was a good movie that displayed emotional retardation.  Neither thought that the “we” was more important than the “me.”

I see that a lot in the gay men I know.  An inability to see beyond their own wants, their own needs.  An inability to give of themselves in a way that enhances the “we” without diminishing the “me.”  A persistent emphasis – however subtle – on their own needs being met to the exclusion of others and an inability to see that for what it is….

Ahhh, the human condition.  Not limited to gay men and lesbian women – but a problem with the whole human race.  We have such possibility.  We have such opportunity to display grace; to see in our interactions what lies beyond the veil of unknowing – that place where God resides.

Which brings us back to relationships.  Specifically gay male relationships. More specifically gay male long term committed relationships.  When two come together and begin to move beyond their own needs…begin to move towards a “we” that is separate from enmeshment… that preserves the “me” at the same time…. We see the image of God.

It is not just the property of the male-female relationship.

And it is every bit a sacrament.

 

Mexico

I have been in Mexico for a week now. We were supposed to go to san fransisco, but Ed felt sick and the short story is that we have ended up on the beach in Mexico. Just the two of us. There was another gay couple here earlier in the week that we spent some time with…it was fun, but it has been fun just being the two of us.

Life seems so same/different now. I have a friend at church who asked me how it was different being in a relationship with a man than it was with a woman. I couldn’t even begin to answer. It is the same/different. The bond is definately there; more so than when I was with a woman. This is natural. this is real. This is me not having to hide. But the relationship has the same pitfalls…It is a struggle to stay honest and real. Emotions are hard. But even there it is amazingly simple. I get grumpy. Ed notes it off the bat… and has determined that there are two situations in which I get grumpy. I am hungry… or I am horny…. so much for my veneer of complexity. At that it is so refreshing to wake up next to him every day. To go to sleep next to him every night. To have those times of incredible passion and to have those times where we see each other at our worst. I told him I want both. I want it all.

This next year we are going to Matzatlan…. to Charleston SC for a music festival… to Denver for the gay chorus meeting….. and back to SF. We are exploring how to become expatriots and where….

Heven resides

Today was move in day. I rented a uhaul and had all the things staged and ready to go by ten AM. we first had a huge delivery to good will. One of the things that has happened is that I have had to basically disinvest one entire household. We have no need for two and three sets of everything. All my kitchen items, dishes, towels, gone. Beds…. gone. Most of these things were in need of being replaced. With just me in the house I never felt the need to get new things… What I brought with me over here fit into one Uhaul cargo van. Period. My bed (for the guest room) two night stands, a dresser. My new computer… clothes. some forks. a few baking dishes. All my spices. That’s it

Last night we were lying in bed after some intense physical activity. He began to talk how he always wanted to have someone who he could be intense with both sexually and mentally/emotionally. He found that in me. I can say the same thing.

Having lived here for 70 percent of each week for the last five months it is not that much of a transition. We cook together in the kitchen, work in the garden together… go out to plays and various activities that go on in the LGBT community in town. I go to synagogue with him…Life is good. Totally different from what I had, but I love it. There is no hiding the real me… no two person dichotomy to deal with. No hiding how sexually horny I am all the time. No hiding anything… this type of intimacy is what I always wanted…. So… maybe I will continue this blog just because this side of the tunnel is so good…. And i want everyone in the tunnel tonot give up…to continue on to where your heaven resides.

Move in day

In September I will be “officially” moving in with Ed. I already am spending most of the week there… and we have been discussing this for some time. Last night we went out to dinner at a local restaraunt and began talking about how this could all take place. It is a scary thing for him, taking on my kids as well … but we have been having the kids stay with us each Saturday night for the past month. And last saturday they helped us set up for Ed’s birthday party (Polynesian theme.) My son had said something… dont even remember what now, but my response to him was “That’s what families do” (help each other out.) Apparently it made Ed really think about what he wanted … and family is a leap he is willing to make. Of course, I was happy to say “yes” to the whole plan. This is scary for me as well… I have seen too many gay relationships that were selfish… but I am willing to risk it….. maybe I will start blogging again…. Just so everyone knows that beauty can come from ashes….

Life is Good

I am not so good at posting in this blog anymore and have debated its usefulness at this point. Life is good… some bumps, still, as my ex and I work through the final phases of the divorce. That still brings up raw emotions and I am told that this often is the case. All of the property was divided long ago…. and the only thing left is signing the papers … deciding on child support…and even that we are mostly on agreement.
My life with Ed continues apace. I spend Sun through Thur morning with Ed, the rest of the week at my place with my kids. I hate my place. Love my kids, hate the place. I find I want to be with Ed the whole time, but we decided that we would date a year before we approached that committment.

I will try to post. All I can say is that for the most part life is good.

Golden Gate

Is it June already? Unlike previous times when I have let this blog slide, things are actually going quite well. The problem now is where to begin….

I spent the last week in Northern CA with Ed. Ostensibly, the point of the trip was to meet his grandchildren… and I might say that it went rather well. We actually stayed at his former sister-in-law’s house. She is lesbian and is in a relationship with another woman. It was fun. We didn’t do much except eat, talk, and take long walks together. And play with the kids. On our walks we saw a wild turkey (from which I got to protect Ed) and some deer. This was up in Sonoma county…. very beautiful area. We went hiking in Pt. Reyes… had seafood on the bay and did the tour of SF. His friends have all been around for a while in the bay area, and quite a few were involved in the instigation of the gay rights movement. It was awesome, and I have quite a few posts that will arise out of that.

No Going Back

“Come on in, the water’s fine!” Innocent words that overlay the fact that the water is instead f*ing cold, and those that have gone before get a huge kick out of watching you go through a baptism of ice….

The same goes for the blogs of us men who have already taken the plunge into a life of alternatives. Are you certain that we are not just playing you and encouraging you to take a plunge that will ice your very soul?

Be sure, be very, very sure that you want to be Real… that you want the end of the rainbow. Because once you take that plunge there is

NO GOING BACK

…don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? , you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you. They would say, ‘There’s the person who started that building and couldn’t afford to finish it!’

Or what king would go to war against another king without first sitting down with his counselors to discuss whether his army of 10,000 could defeat the 20,000 soldiers marching against him? And if he can’t, he will send a delegation to discuss terms of peace while the enemy is still far away.

Know that this step that you contemplate… will be irrevocable. Everything will change….

Everything

You will be a caterpillar undergoing metamorphosis. We.. who have undergone the change… can only give you glimpses of what will be….

You are in Plato’s cave. Chained and only able to face the wall. On that wall you see the shadows cast by those passing in front of your cave’s entrance..You can see the shadow of the reality, but never comprehend the true horror and glory of what lies beyond.

So… do your research. Read the blogs.

But ultimately you will never know

Until you leap

BF

Last night I sat down with former BF and had a discussion that fully explained where I was at and why. It was a good thing that I waited this long to finally talk with him; and it is not that I don’t see him, I do still see him on a weekly basis since I attend the same congregation as he and his family. It was a bit awkward at the beginning… and I finally settled on just explaining the actions that could be backed up with “I” statements – I did not go into the ethical issues I have with what we did.

The end point is simply I do not want to be alone. And with him, that is what I get… being alone. We talked, he understood what I was saying, and told me that he was already looking for his next victim. … ooops. His next CLR boyfriend.

Much easier than breaking up with wife, but then this is two men who were in a relationship that both know had issues.

Sort of the antithesis for all the drama I put myself through. But glad I made the effort so we could part with understanding and friendship. And it gives me the final closure we both needed to move on…

House hunting

Today Ed and I went house hunting. We made an appointment to look at a very charming -from the outside – home near one of the old fort sites. The area has several hundred year old adobes along with homes that are faux nuveau adobe.

It was interesting, but the feng shui was way off. Bad karma from the previous owner. We looked, but declined to offer.

I cannot say how amazing this is… that we are looking at houses.. houses that will be ours together.

The destination is not the point

Sometimes life is found in the negative space.  That area that exists somewhere between the seeking and the longing. Our eyes turn in one direction thinking that there we must surely find our hearts treasure; only to discover that it, too, is a desert place. We turn a 180 thinking that perhaps it is just over the far horizon.  We strive and abandon all restraint to get to that place… only to once again discover that it is not all we had hoped it would be….  We spend our life wandering too and fro over the earth seeking that home that should be ours, that place of belonging that others take for granted yet we find so elusive. Is it any wonder that many of us give up on the task, or that we are even afraid to begin?

I think that the essence lies not in the destination, but in the journey. Our hearts desire – though we think it first here, then over there, is in fact at neither place. In moments when we are truly honest with ourselves I think that we would admit that we don’t have a clue about ourselves, let alone about who would complete us; and it is in that realization that we finally give up on the destination and concentrate on the journey.

So many of us gay men are stuck… simply stuck.  Journeying from one relationship to another. Ever afraid of discovering what it is that the negative space will reveal. And when we begin to get glimpses of what is there we abandon that relationship for another… and another… and another….Never realizing that if we can never get comfortable with ourselves and what is in that space we will never be comfortable with another.

 

If I cannot reveal the true me to myself, I will never reveal the true me to another. I will doom myself to purgatory, the endless quest to expunge myself of what I cannot face.

When I face the true me and quell the need to continually change direction… there I find grace.  The ability to have what I not only want, but what I really need. Those not necessarily being the same.

 

My journey has been long. The quest has been difficult. So many changes in direction. So many different horizons to obtain. Communal living, bible college, street ministry, seminary, teaching, pastoring, counseling, working in prison. Reparative therapy, believing that I only had to marry to become a real boy – a straight man.  Living on the down low, having multitudes of nameless partners. Trying to live  in the inherent lack of integrity that a CLR brings. Finally grieving and believing that all I ever would get would be this half measure that was no measure at all….

This road is not for loosers.  It is not for the faint of heart, or for those that lack courage. It takes every ounce of strength that we have. It involves death… and life… It involves seeing ourselves as we truly are… needy, hungry, naked, poor… desperately seeking love and acceptance and causing harm to those we love despite all we do.  It involves seeing that endless cycling through relationships for what it is… seeing the options that others so loudly proclaim as being valid for what they really are… dirty, ripped, torn and wholly unworthy of the character we so desire.

Sounds like fun?  It’s not.  Sounds like something we don’t want to live? It is exactly what we must do… live through it and into it, and eventually beyond.  It sounds like a loosing proposition to the perpetual indulgence of our baser selves. Depressing. Perhaps immoral. Wrong.

But it it the only path to freedom.  The only path to grace. The only option that allows us to face what we are and move beyond – the only path that gets us outside of ourselves so that we can truly be with another man in a relationship that is all we desire. A relationship where love is not based on sexual desirability, or on what YOU can give to me.  Love based on the concept that the YOU and the ME are in this life together; that we choose each other and will weather the good and the bad together. Yes we have stepped outside the conventional… and many of us have overthrown all that the straight world proclaims as truth.  Only to discover that we have thrown the baby out with the bathwater.  There is grace and mercy and true love in the phrase…”in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer… till death do you part.”

I am worth that type of love.  That love that gives up all for me and for whom I give up all.  It is the love that every gay man seeking a ltr truly wants.

You are worthy of that type of love. Don’t give up.  Face the demons, look into the negative space. And find the freedom to be and discover the man that for you will be that love.

 

Somehow in my journey I think I have found that man and that love.  I sorrow that it has taken me fifty years of life to find this man who is himself sixty. I grieve that we have so little time to live this love.

And I rejoice that I have not gone to the grave without knowing this love.